The Breakup

Insecurity is my best friend.

She follows me around, giving me council as I make decisions in life. She reminds me of the things I've done wrong and warns me not to make the same mistake twice. She's the best judge of what I should eat, what I should wear and what needs a little more work at the gym. She even helps me in my relationships. She tells me what I must/must not do to keep someone happy, prompting me that if i don't listen to her, it will surely all go down in flames. She always tells me to work harder, otherwise I won't amount to anything- and who would want to love someone like that? Her constant voice reminds me to not be prideful, because there's so many more people in the world who could do it better than me and are already better than me. She keeps me humble, that's what good friends do, right? 

But something changed. The better I got to know this friend of mine, the sadder I became. I slowly started changing the way I thought, not just about myself, but other people. I looked around at the world with bitterness, filling the space that used to be overflowing with love and compassion and replacing it with hate and jealousy. My relationships started to fall apart because of my dependence on her. They asked me to choose them over her, and I could never do it. I didn't want to let others into my life because I knew she wouldn't like them. She would point out their good qualities and claim they were better than mine, therefore not a good fit for me. I listened to her voice and started to hate these ones. The ones she said were better than me, the ones who lived the life I should have, the ones who were prettier and skinnier and more in shape. I was forbidden to be happy for anyone else, because it was something she looked down upon. She isolated me so that my life revolved around her. She defined me. I needed her. I clung so close to her because she was all I had, or so I thought.

It was different this morning, though, as I stood in front of the mirror. My makeup was smudged from the day before, my hair wild, and my teeth unbrushed. This best friend of mine went to speak and I knew exactly what she would say. I suddenly stopped her- "No," I interrupted, "you're wrong."

It was in that moment that I realized, she was never a friend at all. She was a parasite. Her mission was never to comfort or love, but rather to destroy me, little by little. Her one desire was to cloud my vision, to keep me from seeing my worth and my beauty, to keep me from the person I was supposed to be. She introduced me to her friends: jealousy, envy, denial, and fear, and they too, corrupted my once loving heart. And this morning, as I looked at myself in the mirror, reminded of all the damage they had done in my life, I decided to break up with them forever. I didn't need them in my life. They never cared about me or loved me. They spent years lying to me, discouraging me, and deteriorating every ounce of goodness in me, and I wanted nothing to do with them. This was no friendship, it was deceit. 

I was done with them, once and for all. I told them to pack their bags and move out, because I wanted more than what they could offer me. I wanted to love out of selflessness and feel compassion again. I wanted to celebrate with others in their beautiful blessings and not be afraid to pursue my dreams. I wanted to love myself again; to see my worth and to feel loved by the One who loves me just as I am. 

This morning, I kicked Insecurity out of my life. I don't need her. No one does. She came to steal, kill and destroy. Instead, I replaced her with Love, who has no bounds and no limits, who reminds me of who I am, guiding me with patience and grace into a life of happiness and fulfillment. 

I Always Get the Last Word.

I didn't know a lot at five-years-old, but something I always knew was that if Dad told me no- there were no questions asked. I remember being a little girl, arguing my little heart out, until finally my Dad would look down at me and say, "No. That's the way it is, what I say is final." and I knew right then that my argument was lost- Dad always got the last word and he wasn't going to change his mind. It was no use to beg and whine any more. I wasn't going to get what I wanted, I wasn't going to win. Dad's word was final, set in stone, and unchangeable. As a little girl, this frustrated me beyond measure. No excuses I made, no tears I cried, and no amount of eyelash batting was going to get him to say yes. He was a man of his word- what he said was what he said. It trumped everything else.

Awhile back, a friend had given me a word from the Bible that has now come to be my favorite chapter- Isaiah 45 (read it, it's really good).  In Isaiah 45, God shares how he is going to mightily use King Cyrus to deliver his people. He promises his people that he will make a way for them through this king, and that he would strengthen him and make himself known through this man. 

I've read this chapter more times than I can count, but this particular morning I just needed to be reminded of God's promises. So I went back and re-read my favorite Bible passage. I read the long list of promises from God to his people, hoping to be encouraged of my own promises from God. But what really caught my eye this dreary morning wasn't any of the promises, but the concluding statement-- at the very end, after encouraging his children and promising them deliverance and prosperity, God says, 

"I, the Lord of Heaven's Armies, have spoken!" (NLT)

This hit me hard. 

and just like that, I felt like a little girl again. 

Like nothing I could say could change his mind; nothing I did would change his stance; no lies that the world fed me could defer or take away from the promises God had clearly written out for me. 

My first response was to argue and make an excuse, "yeah, but God--"

and i was quickly cut off--

 "Aly. I always get the last word."

It was as simple as that. 

God ALWAYS gets the last word. Just like my father as a little girl, my heavenly Father's word trumped EVERYTHING else. 

When God promises us something, when he fills our hearts with His love, when he shows us our dreams, he always seals it with, "I, the Lord of Heaven's Armies, have spoken!" There is nothing in this world that has the power to contradict what God has spoken. Nothing can stand against his word. If God has shown you something, if he has promised you something- HE'S SPOKEN- it is going to happen. There are no ands, ifs, or buts. No other voice in your head, on this planet, or of the enemy matters. 

So then why do I doubt God? Why do I fear that he won't come through? Why do I make up excuses, argue with him, and convince myself that those promises aren't for me? 

God is a God of His WORD. His word is set in stone. His word is unchangeable. What he says is true, faithful, trustworthy, and most importantly- what he says is final. 

My circumstances, my bad day, and my low spirits cannot argue with what God has spoken about my life. Nothing can take away from the promises instilled inside of me. My argument is lost, and His mind is still unchanged. 

That's the way it is. No questions asked. God always has the last word. 

Never Settle For Less Than God's Best.

         I feel like everyone says they just want to "settle down" someday. I hate to break it to you friends, but a life with Jesus- a life living for the Kingdom- calls you out of settling down. I somehow think that I am entitled to this life with a 2 story house with a decent car and a doting spouse and 3 children. news flash, Aly: you are not. Actually, as a Christian, i am called to think and live outside of those four walls. There's nothing wrong with these things, actually- they're awesome-, but I should never slip into the mentality of "settling down". As Christians we are called to STIR UP.  Always. We are called to expand the Kingdom, to make disciples, to love until there's no love left (clue: God is love. God is infinite. Therefore, love is infinite.. just saying). There's no taking breaks or just sitting back and living the average life for "settling down"'s sake. In the little time and impact I have on this earth as a disciple of Jesus Christ- there is no time for that. I was fearfully, wonderfully, and uniquely made do to a specific job, to fulfill my full potential and purpose, to stir up the world and the people in it. I was not just put on this earth to live the "normal" life. Just an FYI- the second you said "yes" to Jesus was the second you said adios to normality. This doesn't mean you have to drop everything in life to go to Africa or some other third-world country. You may just be working a 9-5 office job, or be nanny or a school teacher, but make your normal "American dream" life radical for Jesus. Make it a mission to be a blessing at the office, be a nanny who expresses God's grace and compassion for little ones, and be a teacher that lives to captivate their students to live their dreams and be all they can. I never want to settle down, I never want to stop going, stop pursuing or persevering. He who began a good work in me will see it until it's completion, and I am confident that I am usable by God to stir up WHATEVER he wants until the very last second before he takes me home. I have more than I need in Jesus, I don't need a 2 story house with a doting husband and 3 kids. I'm willing to live outside that mentality, to do whatever God asks of me, whatever the cost. I wasn't put on this earth to settle- I was put on this earth to live.