Insecurity is my best friend.
She follows me around, giving me council as I make decisions in life. She reminds me of the things I've done wrong and warns me not to make the same mistake twice. She's the best judge of what I should eat, what I should wear and what needs a little more work at the gym. She even helps me in my relationships. She tells me what I must/must not do to keep someone happy, prompting me that if i don't listen to her, it will surely all go down in flames. She always tells me to work harder, otherwise I won't amount to anything- and who would want to love someone like that? Her constant voice reminds me to not be prideful, because there's so many more people in the world who could do it better than me and are already better than me. She keeps me humble, that's what good friends do, right?
But something changed. The better I got to know this friend of mine, the sadder I became. I slowly started changing the way I thought, not just about myself, but other people. I looked around at the world with bitterness, filling the space that used to be overflowing with love and compassion and replacing it with hate and jealousy. My relationships started to fall apart because of my dependence on her. They asked me to choose them over her, and I could never do it. I didn't want to let others into my life because I knew she wouldn't like them. She would point out their good qualities and claim they were better than mine, therefore not a good fit for me. I listened to her voice and started to hate these ones. The ones she said were better than me, the ones who lived the life I should have, the ones who were prettier and skinnier and more in shape. I was forbidden to be happy for anyone else, because it was something she looked down upon. She isolated me so that my life revolved around her. She defined me. I needed her. I clung so close to her because she was all I had, or so I thought.
It was different this morning, though, as I stood in front of the mirror. My makeup was smudged from the day before, my hair wild, and my teeth unbrushed. This best friend of mine went to speak and I knew exactly what she would say. I suddenly stopped her- "No," I interrupted, "you're wrong."
It was in that moment that I realized, she was never a friend at all. She was a parasite. Her mission was never to comfort or love, but rather to destroy me, little by little. Her one desire was to cloud my vision, to keep me from seeing my worth and my beauty, to keep me from the person I was supposed to be. She introduced me to her friends: jealousy, envy, denial, and fear, and they too, corrupted my once loving heart. And this morning, as I looked at myself in the mirror, reminded of all the damage they had done in my life, I decided to break up with them forever. I didn't need them in my life. They never cared about me or loved me. They spent years lying to me, discouraging me, and deteriorating every ounce of goodness in me, and I wanted nothing to do with them. This was no friendship, it was deceit.
I was done with them, once and for all. I told them to pack their bags and move out, because I wanted more than what they could offer me. I wanted to love out of selflessness and feel compassion again. I wanted to celebrate with others in their beautiful blessings and not be afraid to pursue my dreams. I wanted to love myself again; to see my worth and to feel loved by the One who loves me just as I am.
This morning, I kicked Insecurity out of my life. I don't need her. No one does. She came to steal, kill and destroy. Instead, I replaced her with Love, who has no bounds and no limits, who reminds me of who I am, guiding me with patience and grace into a life of happiness and fulfillment.
